Love and Soba
by Yakaji
Summary: When word gets out that Yuu Kanda is still a virgin, the members of the Black Order decide to take matters into their own hands. Everyone/Kanda, desperately crackish.
1. Episode 1

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**Love and Soba**

_Episode 1  
_

* * *

  


"You would not BELIEVE what she's like in bed, either." Allen shoveled more of the roast turkey into his mouth, continuing to talk as he chewed it down. "She's like some sorta… I dunno… Lavi, you have GOT to get yourself a girl."

"Eh. Can't. You know what the Panda would say. 'Lavi, you must not let yourself be distracted from the path of the Bookman. Relationships are a burden you cannot afford.' Crap like that. Anyway, you know my… tastes… aren't always the same as yours." Yuu thought the redhead's eyes shifted toward him for a moment, but maybe it was just a trick of the light.

"What about you, Kanda," Allen asked through another mouthful of turkey. "You got someone 'special' you like to take back to your room at night?" There was a mischievous sparkle in Allen's good eye. It put Yuu on edge, as always.

"None of your business, Bean Sprout." Don't look up. Don't make eye contact. Don't let him know he's touched a nerve. Give him an inch and he'll never stop.

"Oh c'mon, Kanda. There's gotta be somebody. Why don'cha just spill already? Is it Lenalee? I've seen the way she looks at you."

Lavi's eyebrow quirked upward. "Seriously? I didn't know Lenalee was into Kanda. Since when?"

Allen moved to hush the redhead. "You bring HER back to your room at night, Kanda? She like it when you let her touch 'Mugen'? Oh, are your cheeks turning red?"

"BEAN SPROUT!!" The bench clattered backward as Yuu jumped to his feet, slamming one hand onto the table and gripping the hilt of his sword with the other.

Allen giggled evilly.

"Are you boys fighting AGAIN?" Yuu heard Lenalee's saccharine voice behind him and felt his face heat further. Please let her not have heard what that idiot Allen had said.

"Oh no, of course not, ma'am," Allen said, affecting a deep voice. "We were just enquiring into our good friend Kanda's sex life. Weren't we, Lavi?"

Lavi hummed appreciatively, casting another look at Yuu. Why did he have to keep doing that?

Lenalee laughed, a sound like glass windchimes in a gentle breeze. She took a seat next to Yuu, across the table from the other exorcists. "Well, there's not really much to tell, is there Kanda? I mean, you're still a virgin, aren't you?"

Yuu felt his brain melting. Oh, it was true, of course. But how could Lenalee just TELL them like that? And he couldn't yell at her like he always yelled at Allen and Lavi. She was Lenalee. You just didn't yell at Lenalee. Anyway, Yuu didn't. Still, he wanted to lash out.

"BEAN SPROUT!!"

"Hey, what'cha getting mad at me for? Is it MY fault you can't get yourself laid?"

Lenalee made a shushing sound. "No, Allen, it's not like that! Kanda is just saving himself for someone special. Isn't that right, Yuu?" She turned toward him with a smile.

"Is he, now," Lavi asked, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

Yuu stormed out of the dining hall, praying that he might still manage to salvage some scrap of his dignity.


	2. Episode 2

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**Love and Soba**

_Episode 2  
_

* * *

Of course, news made it around the Black Order in no time. Somehow, it seemed Yuu was the only virgin in the entire organization. And within a week, he was finding himself on the receiving end of some very strange conversations.

"Oh, Kanda!" Johnny pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, smiling nervously at Yuu. "I was wondering if maybe you'd like to come over to my lab station later and I could show you my hard drive. It's not 3.5 inches, and I promise it isn't floppy either!" Yuu had no idea what Johnny was talking about, but he glared at him anyway. Eventually Johnny blushed and turned back to the work he had been doing.

The whole science division was acting funny, now. This was the fourth time in as many days that they'd demanded Yuu come by for 'testing'. He still hadn't figured out what the testing was supposed to accomplish – he could hardly even figure out what the testing WAS, since he spent the whole time in his underwear, with electrodes hooked to his skin and a big black helmet planted over his head that blocked his eyesight. And every day he came in, the members of the science division acted stranger and stranger. Johnny was hardly the only one.

"Thank you for coming by again, Kanda." Reever came up behind him, taking a few notes onto his clipboard. "It should only take another day or two for us to get all the data that we need. Then you'll be back on regular assignment. I hope this hasn't been too inconvenient for you."

Yuu shrugged into his jacket, zipping it closed with a grunt. "Whatever," he scowled. "If Komui says you need me here, then I'll be here." He should have been out fighting AKUMA. He was the best the Black Order had, and Komui Lee knew it as well as everyone else. Why was he stuck here? "Is there anything else?" Yuu didn't try very hard to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

"Nah, I think that'll do it for today. Though honestly, Kanda, I wish I had more work like this. My usual problem sets are so boring."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, just that if all my problem sets were hard like you, I wouldn't mind spending all night doing them on my desk, is all." Reever's eyes took on an evil glow. Yuu felt as if he was missing something, again. He scowled and turned to go.

On the way out of the science division laboratory, #65 floated up to him.

"Hey Kanda, are you an alpha carbon? Because you look susceptible to backside attack!"

Yuu had no idea what that meant, and he was tired of feeling stupid. His eyebrows drew down and he spun, drawing his sword.

"Innocence: activate!" A river of light blazed along the length of Mugen as Yuu slashed at the ghost-like form of #65. The spirit floated away quickly, chuckling to itself. Yuu lowered his weight, preparing to spring after it, but was surprised when he felt two small arms twine around his chest, holding him back. He growled instinctively.

"Oh, stop it, Kanda!" Lenalee's voice. "Haven't you already caused the science division more than enough trouble? Do you really need to go attacking their members and destroying their lab? Settle down, will you!"

The stiffness left Yuu, but slowly. He was still more than a little on edge from all the strange things people were saying. He was sure, somehow, that it was all connected to his… to the fact that he hadn't… to what Lenalee had told Allen and Lavi. Yuu was still angry at her, too, but what could he do?


	3. Episode 3

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**Love and Soba**

_Episode 3  
_

* * *

Lenalee waited until the tension began to ease out of his muscles, and then she began to lead him from the lab and into the corridor outside. Yuu, brooding, let himself be led without paying much attention to where he was going. Why had Lenalee told them? Why was everyone acting so strange now? It made him feel confused – any problem he couldn't solve with Mugen made him feel confused – and Yuu hated feeling confused. What he wouldn't give for a nice AKUMA or two he could just slice into. Something to take the edge off. That would be nice. He began imagining what he might do to a particularly nasty AKUMA. For some reason, the AKUMA in Yuu's mind shared the same face as Allen Walker.

The sound of a door closing brought his attention back to the present. He looked up to see himself in Lenalee's room. Not her usual room, but the second room that Komui had set aside for her. Yuu saw Komui's face staring at him from every corner of the room. Lenalee never used this room, except….

"You know, Kanda, I've always thought you looked really sexy in that uniform. But I'll bet you'll look even sexier once I get you out of it." Her hands moved deftly across the front of his jacket, unzipping and unsnapping until his bare chest was exposed.

Yuu tried to keep his eyes from widening in surprise. No. She wouldn't. This wasn't the Lenalee he knew. And certainly not HERE, of all places? What sort of sick, twisted girl would want to have sex in the middle of hundreds of pictures of her own brother? Yuu coughed nervously and tried to pull Lenalee's hands off him.

"Is there something wrong, Yuu," she asked, using his given name again. She turned her head up to look at him, a radiant smile brightening her face. "You DO want this, don't you? I know you've been saving yourself for someone special, but I always figured that someone was me. Well, don't you want to get this over with?"

"I… Uh…" Yuu coughed again. "I mean, Lenalee, sure you're…" His face was growing hotter. She was right, Yuu DID want his first time to be with her, but not like this. "I just thought…" Yuu felt panic start to creep into his voice. "Are you sure you want to… you know…" His voice cracked, momentarily turning to a high-pitched squeal. "Make love?"

Lenalee laughed, that same glittering sound he remembered. "Oh, you're so cute when you're flustered, Yuu-chan." (Yuu-chan!? The heat in his cheeks intensified again.) "No, I just thought we'd play a little game, y'know. Have you ever played 'Titanic' before?"

Yuu shook his head weakly, not trusting his voice anymore.

"Oh, it's really easy. I'm sure you'll catch on fast." Lenalee trailed one finger down the soft skin of his chest, teasing the jacket open further. "When I say 'Iceberg', you go down!"

Yuu pulled away from her and left the room at a run, suppressing the urge to scream. He could feel Komui's dark eyes watching him from every corner of the room as he darted out the door. Behind, Yuu heard Lenalee shouting after him in exasperation.

"Damn it, Kanda, why are you being so selfish!? You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!"


	4. Episode 4

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**Love and Soba**

_Episode 4  
_

* * *

"Allen! What are you doing? Get back here!" Lavi's voice came out as a heated whisper.

"What? If you're not man enough to do it yourself, others are waiting. Ripe fruit spoils if too long untended, y'know. And you've gotta admit he's ripe for the plucking." Allen poked his head around the corner, taking another look at Kanda's approaching form.

"Yes, but I'M the one who's supposed to pluck him, Bean Sprout!"

Allen slapped Lavi casually. "You don't get to call me that, 'Rabbit'. You know better."

"Allen," Lavi mewled plaintively. "You KNOW I want him. No fair you stealing."

"We could share, then." Allen watched as Lavi's eyes glazed over for a moment at the thought. Good. Now was his chance. Allen slipped into the hallway in front of Kanda. He felt Lavi's hands scrabble at his uniform, trying to pull him back, but he ignored them and continued onward.

* * *

Yuu was so distracted from the episode with Lenalee that he didn't even notice Allen until the white-haired exorcist bumped into him.

"Oh, Kanda! I didn't see you there, I'm sorry." Allen was affecting his sickly-sweet voice again. Yuu felt his hand drift toward where Mugen rested on his hip.

"What do you want, Bean Sprout? I thought you and the rabbit were out on assignment."

"We just got back. Piece of cake, really, though I'm sure it would have been even easier if we'd had a big strong man like you to help us." Allen cooed as he gently laid his hand on Yuu's wrist.

What the hell was this? Yuu had the unsettling feeling that this was another one of those problems Mugen wouldn't solve for him. Unsettling as it was, he tried to play along. "Uh… yeah… well, I'm sure you and Lavi handled it fine, Bean Sprout. That hand of yours is… uh… pretty useful."

Allen's eyes glinted. Yuu was getting tired of people glinting their eyes at him.

"Oh, I'll bet it's more useful than you think, Kanda-kun." (Kanda-kun?) "Why don't we go back to my room and I can show you what ELSE my hand can do?" Allen still looked kind and innocent, and his voice hadn't lost that sugary sweetness, but something about the glint in his eyes made Yuu very distrustful. He began to back away slowly.

Allen moved another step forward, and his voice took on a sing-song quality. "I've got magic fingers…!"

Yuu turned and bolted. Behind him, he heard a loud thud like two bodies hitting the floor together. He didn't look back.


	5. Episode 5

* * *

**Love and Soba**

_Episode 5  
_

* * *

Yuu didn't stop running until he was three floors lower and halfway around the central tower from where he had encountered Allen. He paused for a moment to catch his breath, leaning against the guardrail over the central shaft.

_Bean Sprout!_ The name echoed in his head. Yuu was sure that this was all that damn kid's fault, somehow. Wasn't it always? Even Lenalee telling everyone his secret - that wouldn't have happened if Allen hadn't told her they were discussing… they were discussing… Yuu's sex life! How DARE he!? Yuu's hand massaged the hilt of Mugen needfully. The next time he saw that little brat, he'd… he would….

"Yuu-kun, is that you?"

Yuu spun on his heel, leaning back against the railing. He knew that voice. Thin tendrils of panic wormed into his stomach.

Froi Tiedoll was standing in the middle of the corridor, running a hand through his unruly hair and watching Yuu with that absentminded look he so often had. Of course, that absentminded look could mean anything. Half of the time, Tiedoll went from bemusement to deep philosophical insight (which Yuu hated). The other half of the time, his bemusement turned into paternalistic gushing (which Yuu hated even more). For the hundredth time, Yuu wondered whose bright idea it had been to make him this man's subordinate.

Tiedoll stopped scrubbing at his hair, and a small smile warmed his face. "You look like you've been having a hard day, Yuu-kun. Here, have a lolly-pop." Reaching into his satchel, Tiedoll drew out a large, round sucker and threw it to Yuu. Grumbling to himself, Yuu popped it into his mouth. He hated anything this sweet, but Tiedoll always had a thing for candy. For giving candy to his subordinates, really. And it was easier to just take it than to deal with all the TALKING that would result if he tried to refuse. Yuu gnawed at the lolly-pop, trying to wear it down faster to speed his escape.

"Actually, Yuu-kun, you've looked on edge all week. Why don't you tell Papa what's wrong?"

Yuu felt one of the veins in his forehead begin to throb. "Master," he growled around the lolly-pop, "I told you to please not act like I'm your son."

Tiedoll smiled indulgently. "Oh, don't be like that, Yuu-kun! You know you can tell me anything that's bothering you. I'm always there for my kids when they need my help."

Yuu's jaw snapped shut, biting the lolly-pop in two. He forced the pieces down and pulled the stick out of his mouth. "No, Sir, I'm fine." He wanted to grind his teeth. He hated trying to be this polite. "Th- thank you for the…ghhh… for the sucker." Tears of shame and humiliation began to form in his eyes, but he blinked them away.

"Oh, did you like it, Yuu-kun? Come back to my room with me, and I'm sure we can find something else for you to suck on." Tiedoll smiled innocently.

With a roar, Yuu turned and vaulted over the guard rail, desperately to get away from his master.


	6. Episode 6

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**Love and Soba**

_Episode 6  
_

* * *

Yuu had his sword out. He was going to kill someone. He was. He didn't care who, but someone needed to die. The next person who talked to him. He was going to do it.

One of the finders slipped around a corner – Goz, the one Yuu had met on that assignment in central Europe. A part of Yuu actually admired the man's commitment to the order, even if he had a tendency to be weak-kneed and air-headed more often than not. Goz spotted Yuu and turned toward him. Yuu swore under his breath. He really didn't want to kill Goz.

But someone needed to die.

Goz was fiddling with a stack of cards. Not playing cards. The finder had strange hobbies, and he liked to talk about them all the time. And, of course, he considered Yuu his friend. Which, Yuu thought, was probably true, but the finder was still as annoying as hell. Those damn cards, though, Yuu would never understand what the finder liked about them. Anyway, didn't he have more important work to do than playing card games. What did he call them again? Pokomen?

Goz eyed Yuu in a very unsettling way, a plastic smile fixed on his face. "Y'know, Kanda," he began, absently shuffling the cards. "You really remind me of Pokemon."

Yuu arched an eyebrow and fondled his sword.

"All I want is a little Pikachu."

The double-meaning took about five seconds to register.

"Die, you pervert!" Kanda swung wildly, and Mugen sliced through the cards Goz had been shuffling. With a sob and a wide-eyed look of terror, the finder fled. Yuu gave him a three-second head start, just to make it more sporting. Goz had long legs. He should be able to run fast enough. But in the end, someone needed to die.


	7. Episode 7

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**Love and Soba**

_Episode 7  
_

* * *

"Slow down, you bastard, so I can kill you!"

Goz was surprisingly fast. Of course, Yuu supposed, running away was one thing finders needed to be good at. Damn finders. How was he supposed to kill Goz if he couldn't catch up.

Yuu rounded a corner, and there he was, just three steps ahead. A little closer and he'd be able to swing Mugen. The sharp blade would bite into his soft flesh. There'd be blood. Yuu would regret the loss of a friend, but sometimes it just couldn't be helped.

Two and a half steps behind now. Two steps. Goz rounded another corner and Yuu shifted his weight. If he could time this right, he could catch the finder as soon as he rounded the turn.

And then something tugged at his ankle and Yuu felt himself tumbling forward. Mugen skittered away across the cobbled stone of the fortress floor. Yuu screamed in frustration, rolling to his feet with one hand planted on the floor, the other extended to the side to help him balance.

Winters Socalo leaned against the wall, his foot carelessly extended into the hallway where Yuu had been running. Behind him, Cross Marian sat in a wicker chair smoking a cigarette. Yuu wasn't sure why there was a wicker chair in the middle of the hallway. Maybe one of the generals had put it there.

"Huh. I'm not sure I'm willing to wait for you to finish with him, Cross. He's just so pretty. It's a shame not to be the one to break him myself." Winters twined his fingers and stretched forward, cracking his knuckles.

"No, Winters, you're going to have to wait your turn. This one is all mine. I'll let you have first dibs on the next one we hear about. Anyway, they're just no fun after you finish with them. Too bruised and beaten to be pretty anymore. And I do hate it when they cower." Cross Marian sighed dramatically.

Yuu stood and retrieved his sword from the floor, eyeing the generals warily. He hadn't quite followed their conversation, but he didn't think it meant anything good for him. His knuckles whitened around Mugen's hilt.

Cross Marian crooked a finger, beckoning him closer. Yuu frowned, but stepped forward reluctantly. He walked past Winters, who trailed a hand lazily through his hair. Yuu stiffened, and the burly general chuckled quietly.

Cross bent his finger again, and Yuu felt like he was being tugged forward. As much as Yuu might dislike Tiedoll, the old man was probably the least offensive of all the Black Order's generals. Cross Marian made his skin crawl.

When Yuu stopped in front of the wicker chair, General Cross smiled malevolently. "If I can make you come with just one finger," he breathed, "Just think what I can do with my whole hand."

"I don't know, wave at me from across the hall? Sir." Yuu had no idea what the man was talking about, but he didn't like the way Cross Marian laughed at his retort.

"Oh, much more than that I think. Boy. Winters, remove his pants."

"My pleasure," the other general grated.

Yuu felt a large hand reach around and grab his groin. He growled and tried to lash out with Mugen, but another hand squeezed his wrist. There was pain, and his hand spasmed. Mugen fell to the floor. Something tugged at his waist, and then he felt the tip of a blade splitting the seam of his pants. No, this couldn't be happening. Unexpectedly, Yuu found himself wishing he'd never left Lenalee's room. Surely whatever games she made him play, they would have been better than this. He tried again to lash out, but the hand on his groin constricted and he felt pain and an unfamiliar, desperate warmth.

Then an explosion seemed to shake the corridor around him. Smoke filled the hallway, and he could hear the two generals coughing. Winters' hands released him, and a different hand – smaller – took his own and tugged. Yuu heard a voice whispering in his ear.

"Quick, follow me!"


	8. Episode 8

* * *

**Love and Soba**

_Episode 8_

* * *

Yuu let himself be led through the haze of smoke. He couldn't see his rescuer, but he had immediately recognized the voice as Lavi's. The older exorcist's hand was warm in his, and he clung to it like a lifeline.

When they made it out of the smoke, Lavi spotted a rude wooden door and pulled it open. He tugged Yuu inside and then eased it shut, careful to keep the noise to a minimum. A wooden crossbeam stood beside the door, and Lavi quickly bracketed it closed. Yuu doubted something so insignificant would stop two generals in full dudgeon. He hoped they didn't want him so badly that they'd tear apart the whole tower searching for him. Certainly Komui would be furious with them if they did. But then, who was Komui to argue with the generals?

Lavi put a finger to his lips, urging Yuu to silence. Yuu was forced to wonder how stupid Lavi thought him to be. He didn't want Cross and Winters to find them any more than Lavi did. After all, if they were found, the two generals would probably settle for killing Lavi. Yuu knew he wouldn't get off so easy.

After a minute, Yuu heard noises from the corridor outside. Angry voices, muffled by the door. Whatever they were saying, they weren't happy. The door rattled briefly, but the voices moved on. They seemed to accept that the door was locked, even though this particular door didn't have a keyhole. Yuu felt surprise that the trick worked.

When the voices had passed out of earshot, Yuu slumped to the ground with an exhausted sigh. "Thank you, Rabbit. I'm still not entirely sure what you saved me from, but I'm glad you did." Gratitude was a rare feeling for Yuu, but he was happy to express it now. Anything was better than being alone with Winters Socalo and Cross Marian.

"Happy to lend a hand anywhere I'm needed, Yuu!" Lavi's voice was far too cheery, but Yuu was in no mood to argue about it at present.

"Know where we are, Rabbit?" Yuu looked around, but he didn't recognize this room. That was a surprise – he thought he had been everywhere in the Black Order headquarters.

Lavi ducked his head behind a curtain hanging beside him, a few feet out from the wall. "Oooh. Looks like it's got some extra… uniforms. Must be where they keep all the outfits they make for us while they're still in storage."

"Mmm. Good. That damn General Winters ripped my… Eh… Maybe I can find a spare uniform here."

"Oooh, good idea, Yuu. Why don't you go try behind that curtain over there?" Lavi pointed, and for the first time Yuu noticed that there was another curtain ending a little farther along the wall against which he had slumped. Pushing himself erect, he strode behind the curtain and began to disrobe.

Quickly, Yuu found that Winters had done more damage than he'd thought. His pants were a wreck, likely unsalvageable. Worse, his underwear was split clean through as well. There was a thin scratch along Kanda's thigh where the general's knife had just bit into his flesh. Grumbling, he stripped off everything below the waist.

"Woah there, Yuu! I swear, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!"

Without thinking, Yuu spun around to face the sound of the voice, his hand reaching for his sword. Except Mugen wasn't there – and then he remembered, dropping it as Winters crushed his wrist back in the hallway. Well, sword or no sword. What the HELL was Lavi doing looking at him, anyway. "Don't make me hurt you, Rabbit. Let me get changed over here."

Lavi ignored him and studiously avoided meeting his gaze. In fact, the older exorcist was staring into a mirror, adjusting a wide-brimmed hat on his head. When he was happy, he turned back to face Yuu. "So, whaddaya think?"

The hat looked…. No. No way. But with the eyepatch….

"Goes together nicely, don'cha think? See, I'm a Love Pirate. I'm here for your booty. Arrrrrrrr!" Lavi leaned forward to slap Yuu on the ass.

Yuu felt the blood rushing to his face, again. "DAMN IT, RABBIT! What the hell do you think you're doing!? Get back on the other side of that curtain NOW, or I swear I will pound you so hard you won't wake up until next Tuesday!"

Lavi let his eyes drift downward languorously. "Ohh, is little Yuu-chan embarrassed that I can see him naked? Or maybe it's little Yuu-chin that's embarrassed?" Lavi cackled, his mouth twisting into a grin.

"Shut UP, Rabbit!" Yuu tried to kick him, but his pants were still gathered around his ankles and the motion only caused him to trip and fall. His head struck the stone floor, and suddenly everything went black.


	9. Episode 9

* * *

**Love and Soba**

_Episode 9  
_

* * *

When Yuu regained consciousness, he was: naked, flat on his back, uncomfortable, and pinned down by Lavi, who sat straddling his waist. Lavi was also naked.

This was not good.

"What the hell, Lavi!? Get the hell off me right now or I'm gonna… no, screw that. I'm gonna kill you ANYWAY, but if you get off me right now I'll kill you FAST and CLEAN. Maybe."

Lavi's lips quirked, and he shifted himself atop Yuu. The friction against Yuu's…. body… made him want to squirm. He bit his lip to keep from moaning. No. Not like this. He would NOT become a… a PLAYTHING for the bloody bookman's apprentice.

"Oh, struggle as much as you want, Yuu. There's no way you're getting out of this. I gave you an injection – something the science division cooked up. They promised me it would keep you… docile… for at least an hour. I figure by the time my hour's up, you'll probably be so sore you won't be able to move anyway." Lavi chuckled to himself.

Yuu growled and tried to kick himself out from under Lavi, but the older exorcist was right. Yuu's body wouldn't respond to his commands. Holding out one last hope, Yuu shut his eyes and focused his mind on the tattoo on his chest. Maybe, just maybe, it could clear his system of whatever poison the science department had created. It might mean sacrificing some of his life's energy. But weighed against the alternative, raped by a rabbit, that sacrifice didn't seem so bad.

"I don't know if I ever told you, Yuu, but my hammer isn't the only thing about me that extends on command." Yuu felt something press against his chest, and a bolt of ice ran down his spine. He would have shuddered, surely, if only his muscles could respond.

And then he felt heat, like a fire burning on his chest. Oh, THANK GOD, it was working. Somewhere, he knew, a lotus blossom was wilting just a bit more than it had moments earlier. But... He told his toe to wiggle. It did.

Then he told his fist to say hello to Lavi's nose.

It did. A sickening crack told Yuu that the nose was broken. Lavi cried out in pain, and Yuu felt a few drops of blood spatter across his chest before the other exorcist rolled off him, cradling his broken nose and sobbing.

"And that's the least you deserve, bastard!" Yuu shot to his feet and gave Lavi a swift kick to the ribs. "If I had my sword, I WOULD kill you right now. Maybe, if you're lucky, I'll be in a better mood after I've found it." Or maybe he'd bleed to death in the interim. Yuu felt comforted at the thought.

Trying to ignore Lavi's incessant whining, yuu turned his attention back to the racks of clothing. His uniform was still ruined, and he needed to find a new one before he could go back outside.

The first rack held…. Those must be extra uniforms for Lenalee. Yuu began shifting hangers, looking for his own. But no, wait, Lenalee's uniform didn't have that lace bodice. Or the frilly petticoats. …or the feather duster. What WAS this?

He moved to another rack. Leather vests and leather chaps? Further down. Was that… a policeman's uniform? And a construction worker's outfit? Where were the exorcist uniform?

From the floor, Yuu heard a dark, nasal laugh. "Give id up, Kanda. Dere aren'd any exorzist uniforms here. Dis is da cozdume zhop."

Yuu cursed under his breath.


	10. Episode 10

* * *

**Love and Soba**

_Episode 10  
_

* * *

As he walked, Yuu flicked his sword petulantly and yellow dandelions sailed through the air.

The day could hardly get any worse. After Lenalee, after Allen, and the generals, and Lavi, and…. Yuu could hardly bear to think about it anymore. But it was hard not to, when every step made him aware of the tight leather hugging his skin. Why was it that the only costumes in his size were the girls'? The leather chaps and vest had been the closest he could find to normal clothing in that entire costume warehouse – and Yuu hadn't wanted to waste any more time prowling the halls of the Black Order. Who knows who might have seen him on the way back to his room.

Who knows who might have been WAITING for him there.

For the first time in his life, Yuu felt no shame at the fact that he'd run away rather than trying to stand and fight. How was he supposed to fight someone who only wanted to give him pleasure?

_No. I did not just think that. I DID NOT._

Mugen lashed out viciously, sending more flowers floating on the breeze.

He was coming to a town, now. Maybe a city, even, by the look of it. Yuu considered skirting it and continuing his ambulatory brooding, but the prospect that the city might have a tailor was too much for him. Anything to get out of these damn leather chaps.

Most of the city's residents edged away from him as he marched down the main thoroughfare. Yuu could hardly blame them. Though he did. Yelling at them to keep their eyes to themselves took the edge off his anger. A little.

As Yuu approached the center of the city, he still hadn't seen any shops offering clothing. Well, there had to be one somewhere. More than one, probably. He stopped in the center of the street, turning to look at the stores around him. The flow of people diverted, leaving an open space about six feet wide.

Seeing nothing, Yuu began to pace. The opening widened.

And then, Yuu felt something tugging at the waist of his leather vest. He turned around, angry words already forming on his lips at the impudence, but was surprised to see a young girl, maybe thirteen, in a long button-down shirt and striped stockings.

She smiled up at him sweetly. "Um, Sir? I… I wanted to ask… could you… um… would you please help me?"

"No!" The words left Yuu's mouth before he could stop them, and he grumbled inwardly as tears began to well up in the girl's eyes.

"I'm sorry, Sir. I just…." She scrubbed at her eyes with the white fabric of her sleeve and turned away. Before she could run, though, Yuu caught her arm. He swore inwardly. Why should he care if the little brat was crying. Why shouldn't he just let her? Damn it.

"No, sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you, kid." Yuu sighed heavily. Well, maybe she would know where to find a tailor. Though he didn't much care for the girl's own taste in clothes. "Well, what is it? You said you wanted help with something?"

She turned back to him, her spiky black hair swaying in the breeze. "Oh, thank you, Sir! It's my puppy. I think he's lost. Will you help me find him?" She smiled warmly.

"Eh… sure…. Whatever." Finding lost puppies was NOT suitable work for an exorcist. But if it meant finding a way out of these damn chaps….

"Oh, Sir, you're my knight in shining…" The girl swept her eyes up and down his body. "Well, I suppose you're my knight in black leather. Good enough." She took his hand with a smile.

"Do you have any idea where the mutt might have gone, kid? It'd help if I knew where to start looking."

"Oh, I think I have an idea." Her voice was silky smooth as she led him toward a run-down two-story building. "I think he went into this cheap motel across the street."


	11. Episode 11

* * *

**Love and Soba**

_Episode 11  
_

* * *

The door clicked shut behind him, leaving Yuu momentarily in darkness.

"You don't really think he's in here, do you? Seriously, kid, this is the stupidest place I can think of to look for a lost puppy."

A spark flared, and candle light filled the room. First from one candle, then from another, then from more and more. Cone-shaped candles hung suspended in the air. The room was larger than it appeared. And nothing like the hotel bedroom Yuu expected. He turned back toward the girl.

"Oh no no no. I think this is the BEST place to find a lost puppy. In fact, I think I've already found one." Her smile was unnaturally wide, and her skin looked darker than Yuu remembered.

Noah.

Yuu couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry.

"Pleased to meet you, Puppy. A little bird came and told me a story, that you were more… innocent… than any of the other exorcists. You know, I just had to come see for myself." Her smile was… inviting. Yuu didn't want to think about that. Instead, he brought his sword up to guard himself.

"I don't know what you want, kid, but I already killed one of you and I'd be happy to do it again. Now get out of my way and leave me alone. I'm not in the mood for any of your games today."

The girl laughed, a tinkling sound that reminded Yuu of Lenalee. "Oh, you're free to try killing me if you like, Puppy. I don't think you're MAN enough to do it, though."

With a roar of anger, Yuu lashed out with the sword. He watched as it touched the girl's shoulder, as it began to cut through her, as the edges of the wound began to smoke and writhe at the touch of his innocence. She hardly seemed to notice. With one hand, the girl took Yuu's sword away from him. The hand, too, immediately started to char and burn.

Calmly, the girl pushed the sword farther in, piercing her chest up to the hilt. Her head rolled back and a look of ecstasy overtook her. She pushed harder, and the sword went all the way into her, through her, and clattered to the ground on the other side.

"Mmmmmmnnnn. That was good for me. Was it good for you?"

Yuu stared at her, horror filling his eyes. Skinn Bolic he could fight. How was he supposed to deal with someone who enjoyed, who positively GOT OFF ON being touched by his innocence?

"Oh, c'mon now, Puppy. I don't want to hurt you. Not much, anyway. I just want to be the first one to HAVE you. Is that so wrong?"

"I am NOT going to… to… with a NOAH!" Yuu wanted to lash out, to strike her, but she'd already taken Mugen from him. He took a step backwards, and then another. At the third, his ankle struck something and he felt himself tumbling backwards. Onto a bed.

Oh shit.

"You know, Puppy, back on the Ark I had a nice big teddy bear. I'd take him with me everywhere I went. When I went to sleep, I always took him with me. He was so soft and cute and cuddly. I miss him so much…"

Yuu swallowed nervously.

The girl jumped onto the bed, landing astride him and slipping both hands inside his vest.

"You wanna sleep with me instead?"


	12. Episode 12

* * *

**Love and Soba**

_Episode 12  
_

* * *

"Mmm. What do we have here, Road?"

The new voice nagged at Yuu's memory. He was sure he had heard it somewhere before.

Road turned, pouting at the new arrival. "This one's mine, Tyki-pon. I got him all by myself, and I don't see any reason why I should share him with you."

Tyki Mikk. Of course. Because Yuu's day couldn't possibly be complete without Tyki Mikk, the Noah of Pleasure, joining in this parade of fools. What was so wrong with Yuu continuing to be a virgin? He'd been one this long. It wasn't so bad. Couldn't they just leave him alone. Tears of frustration and anger welled in Yuu's eyes.

Tyki doffed a black top-hat and tossed it smoothly onto the desk decorating one wall of the hotel room. He walked to the bed and gently petted Road's hair.

"And tell me, Dear One, what exactly you're going to do to him. He doesn't exactly look ready to… give himself to you. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he's just small."

Road slipped her hands into Yuu's leather pants, taking a firm hold on him. "Oh, no, Brother Dearest. He's certainly not small." She gave Yuu a warm smile and leaned down to kiss him. Yuu tried to push her off, but Tyki's hands whipped down to hold his wrists to the bed. Yuu struggled, but found that he was no match for the Noah's strength.

Road's hand began to slip up and down over his length, and Yuu bit his lip to keep from moaning. He pinched his eyes closed and told his legs to kick the girl off him. But they didn't respond, and this time he didn't have the science division's potion as an excuse. His legs simply didn't WANT her gone. A thin mewl escaped his lips. Why did this have to feel so good?

Tyki hummed interestedly. "Well, Road, maybe he's more willing than I thought. It does seem he's starting to rise to the task."

Road smiled and slipped her hand out of his pants, trailing her fingers up across his stomach and under his vest again. Yuu felt his skin prickle at her touch.

"Oh, are you getting cold, Puppy? Well, Tyki, I suppose we COULD share if you really want. So, Puppy, what do you say to a little Hot Chocolate to warm you up?"

With one swift motion, Road and Tyki lifted Yuu off the bed. Within seconds his vest was lying discarded and the leather pants were pooled around his ankles. Yuu tried to worm out of the hands of the two Noah but they simply tightened their grip on him, laughing at his struggles.

"You bastards. If you do this to me, I swear I'll hunt you both down. I'll kill you. I'll chop you up into little pieces. I'll make you WISH I was only doing what I did to your 'Brother'."

"Oh, that's no way to talk, Exorcist." Tyki Mikk's voice was like silk drawn over steel. He was standing behind Yuu now, and Yuu felt a hand slide around his hip, fingers trailing lazily across his now-swollen member. "It's clear what you want. Why don't you just accept it. No matter how much you protest, where we come from 'Noah' always means 'Yes.'"

Road, standing in front of Yuu, frowned disgustedly at the other Noah. "Where'd you come up with a line like that, Tyki? That was just awful. I thought you were supposed to be the smooth one."

"What? I thought it was funny." Tyki's voice sounded more than a little hurt.

Road rolled her eyes. "Okay, you know what? You just lost your right to sharing. You go second now, only after I'm good and done. Or I tell Sherrill about this, and I don't think you WANT to know what he'll do if he hears. Now put my Puppy back down on the bed and help me out of these stockings. I've had a craving for cherries all week, and you are NOT going to deny me this one. Tyki-pon." This time, the pet name sounded positively threatening.

Yuu, entirely against his will, felt himself becoming even more aroused at Road's businesslike tone. When Tyki shoved him back onto the bed, Yuu entirely forgot to struggle. He watched with a sick, nervous anticipation as Road removed her shoes and stockings, revealing long, beautiful, dark legs.

Oh fuck. He was actually starting to WANT this. No. No, no, no, no, no.

And then, from the room's door, came a thunderous CRACK!


	13. Episode 13

* * *

**Love and Soba**

_Episode 13  
_

* * *

The door burst open, and chaos subsumed everything.

"GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY YUU-CHAN!"

Lenalee stood silhouetted in the doorway to the room, hands on her hips and fire in her eyes. She strode inside, murderous rage plain on her face.

"Whad do you mean, YOUR Yuu-chan?" Lavi droned nasally. "We'be god a score do seddle, Yuu-kun and me. You can habe him when I'm done wid him, Lenalee!"

Allen followed Lavi into the room. He didn't say anything. He just eyed Yuu hungrily, looking smug.

"Oh damn. Exorcists," Road, still nude from the waist down, looked distinctly unconcerned. "I remember you three. You're trouble. But you can NOT have my Puppy until –I'M– done with him. Tyki," she hesitated, trying to think of a suitable order for him. "Ahhh, I dunno. Keep them BUSY, okay? He's a virgin so he'll probably only last a couple minutes with me anyway."

Only a couple minutes!? Yuu felt indignation flood through him. He'd show HER a couple minutes. He looked down at his still-erect length. Oh, God, he hoped so anyway. He was half tempted to yell at the other exorcists to leave, that Yuu had everything perfectly under control.

As Tyki strode forward to meet the three exorcists, Road approached the bed. She took Yuu's member firmly in hand and kneeled astride him, preparing to claim her prize.

An even louder crash from the opposite side of the room snapped Yuu's head around. Where one of the walls had been, now he saw Winters Socalo.

…and Cross Marian, seated in a wicker chair. Did he TRAVEL with that damn chair?

"I don't think ANY of you will have the… pleasure… of the boy's company today," Winters' voice rasped. "He will be otherwise engaged. If you want, you can have what's left over once WE finish with him."

With a roar of frustration (that Yuu felt painfully tempted to echo), Road launched herself off the bed, aiming a kick at the burly general. She DID have beautiful legs, Yuu observed. Noises from the other side of the room indicated that Tyki Mikk was fully engaged with the other exorcists as well. Yuu didn't know whether to wait where he was, or to join in the fight. Of course, at this point he wasn't quite sure which side he'd find himself on, even if he DID join in the fight.

And then a hand closed over his mouth, and a voice whispered in his ear. "Come with me if you want to live."

* * *

The next morning, Yuu Kanda was sore all over. He tried to move on the bed, and whimpered at the pain it caused him. But he didn't mind. It had been wonderful. In fact, he desperately wanted more.

"Uh… C-c-can we… again?"

"You are incorrigible, aren't you, boy?" Laughter. "Are you sure you're up to it?"

"Y-yes, I… I t-think so."

"Well then, up on all fours. You know you only get your turn after I get mine." Yuu heard the sound of a buckle being fastened behind him.

"Ohhhhhhh." Yuu moaned in anticipation. Of both phases. "Y… y-yes, Mistress."

Lau Jimin chittered in the darkness.


	14. Episode 13 and a half

Author's Note: Since apparently I'm too clever for my own good, sometimes, here's a LITTLE bit more for anyone who failed to remember who Lau Jimin was.

* * *

**Love and Soba**

_Episode 13.5  
_

* * *

Lau Jimin chittered in the darkness. Again.

"Oh, shut up you stupid monkey." Klaud threw a pillow at her innocence. Being a parasitic-type, however, Lau Jimin easily anticipated the throw and dodged away.

"M- mistress? C- can we please...?"

"Hell, kid, don't you ever get tired?" Klaud sighed, straddling the boy once more and wondering if, maybe, she shouldn't have just left him with the Noah.

* * *

_Fin._


End file.
